Please assess my Writing Task 2

[shoaibyounis]

Topic:
Some people believe that unpaid community services should be a compulsory part of the high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Response:

Freelance services like helping the poor and supporting the needy have become rare in this modern and fast pace world. Hence, it is believed that such programs should be made compulsory in high school. It is disagreed that a compulsion should be implied for such efforts, infact they should purely be kept as individual's own preference to participate in such activities. This can be supported with examples like pupil's academic roster might get impacted if support services are enforced. At the same time, student's health might also get adverse effect with too much involvement in charity services.

It is understood that pupil's academic involvement takes priority among other tasks. Hence, forcing community work can have a negative impact on student's performance in the class. For example, a student is asked to improve the neighborhood and his whole time is spent in doing it, but at the same time he has missed an assignment which was due. Hence, such activities can cause problems for the academic career of the individual. It should be purely based on their own available free time.

Similarly, health issues can be encountered if a student is forced to help the poor and needy. For instance, a pupil wont take care of his eating routine while helping the poor people. Eating habits will cause health issues and problems in activities which require mental health and sharpness. Again it can be concluded that freelance work should always be based on availability.

After doing the analysis it can be observed that student's own priorities and availability should be kept in mind before asking for any charity work keeping in view the after effects on educational routine and eating habits. It is believed that charity organizations would encourage student's involvement via gifts and souvenirs to cherish their involvement in key projects.

[Teacher]

As-Salaam-Alaikum, Shoaib,

Your introduction is rather too long for an IELTS essay. Try and condense it, so that you refer to the question, and include your position and two main points (impact on academic studies and effect on health) in a thesis statement, which tells the examiner what your essay will include.
e.g.
Community services such as helping the poor and supporting the needy have become rare in our fast-paced world, leading to suggestions that they be a required part of high school curricula. However, I believe they should be a matter of personal choice because making them compulsory could impact on students’ academic studies and personal health.

You have two good paragraphs with a clear main idea in each. Try to put the idea about gifts and souvenirs to encourage participation in community services on a voluntary basis within the body of the essay. You have a good grasp of grammar and excellent vocabulary – just be careful about usage.

I hope this helps.


Kind regards
Teacher Jill

[lingxia]

01.png (59.78 KiB) Viewed 841 times

02.png (41.22 KiB) Viewed 841 times