Please provide feedback and a band score for my essay.

[Mohammed]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

It is sometimes argued that children should start learning a second language since primary school instead of secondary school. While there are convincing points both for and against of this opinion, I personally believe that advantages of this statement are superior to its disadvantages.

On the one hand, it is understandable that learning another language can be a burden for younger children. For example, as there are more important subjects such as math, science or mother tongue, an extra language module can let children back from learning these basic and essential subjects. This, in turn, may demotivate young pupils to study fully focused due to loads of materials.

On the other hand, however, there are some benefits of learning a foreign language at primary school. Firstly, teaching any given subject as well as a language in younger ages is relatively easy, as kids can catch up everything they taught instantly and remember it for a long period of time or even sometimes this knowledge can stay with them over the whole lifetime. Secondly, by teaching a second language to children, we can extract their linguistic abilities and improve them further. For instance, there might be talented students in terms of linguistic skills, and they can be trained in this field more deeply. Finally, if children learn any other language, it can help them to grow up more intellectually. For example, they can watch some TV programs or movies in foreign languages.

To sum up, I would argue that the benefits of learning a foreign language beginning from junior school years do outweigh its drawbacks.

[njty32]

Hi,

On the one hand, it is understandable that learning another language can be a burden for younger children.
This topic sentence does not focus on primary or secondary school. This may loose your mark on TR.

[Chi]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

It is sometimes argued that children should start learning a second language since primary school instead of secondary school. While there are convincing points both for and against of this opinion, I personally believe that advantages of this statement are superior to its disadvantages.

"Sometimes" in this situation is rather inappropriate as it makes your introduction of the topic quite weak. In my opinion, the introduction should be strong and clear like a punch, telling the readers that the topic is worth discussing, and this is your opinion and you are going to prove it by such and such.

On the one hand, it is understandable that learning another language can be a burden for younger children. For example, as there are more important subjects such as math, science or mother tongue, an extra language module can let children back from learning these basic and essential subjects. This, in turn, may demotivate young pupils to study fully focused due to loads of materials.

It's okay to discuss the disadvantages here, although it is not necessary. I think you do the right thing by mentioning the disadvantages first and giving stronger backups for the advantages. It shows that you lean towards the advantages. However, your sentences are rather awkward and the two last sentences in this paragraph seem to be repetitive. Your example is subjective and that weakens your argument. Following your idea and wording, I would rewrite it: "For example, primary school curriculum already consists of many subjects, such as math, science and mother tongue. Adding another language module to the workload can hinder children from learning these basic and essential subjects. This demonstrates that teaching a foreign language in primary can create negative impact on children's overall academic performance."

On the other hand, however, (it is unnecessary to use both "On the other hand" and "however" as they are synonyms) there are some ("several" is better) benefits of learning a foreign language at primary school. Firstly, teaching any given subject as well as a language in younger ages is relatively easy, as kids can catch up everything they taught instantly and remember it for a long period of time or even sometimes this knowledge can stay with them over the whole lifetime. Secondly, by teaching a second language to children, we can extract their linguistic abilities and improve them further. For instance, there might be talented students in terms of linguistic skills, and they can be trained in this field more deeply. Finally, if children learn any other language, it can help them to grow up more intellectually. For example, they can watch some TV programs or movies in foreign languages.

To sum up, I would argue that the benefits of learning a foreign language beginning from junior school years do outweigh its drawbacks.

Try to avoid "I would argue that" in your conclusion. Because whichever arguments that you have, it's already said in the body paragraphs. So, you should say something like "according to the aforementioned arguments, it is clear that...." And try to add one or two more sentences to your conclusion.

Hope my comments are helpful. Good luck with your studies!