Discussion essay - Academic writing task 2

[jesus]

While my weak area is grammar, please kindly mention your suggestions as a comment below, if you find any.

Question:
Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important
professionals. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Answer:

In today’s world, every individuals have been involving in a particular profession. Unfortunately, the earning amount of professionals: sportsmen; doctors; engineers and so on, is lopsided. Whether this uneven benefit is apparently reasonable or, rather preposterous, is highly contentious topic. In this essay, both sides of this debate will be analyzed prior to a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, as the elite sport professionals are very few, the money is the recognition of their skills and dedication towards their work. Take football players, namely Ronaldo and Messi, as an example. Ronaldo and Messi have been earning completely high salaries than other counterparts. Because only few sports personnel could accomplish immense success, it goes without saying that the welfare these kinds of individuals receiving must consider rational. Thus, this is understandable why this point of view has generated support.

On the other hand, while life would be jeopardized without some vital individuals, people can prosper without professional sports star, the earning of such key persons should be more emphasized. The contribution of Nepalese doctors in various hospitals, Manipal and Gandaki hospital In particular, can embodies this idea perfectly. So, the professionals of this caliber should be entirely respected and granted reasonable salaries. Therefore, it is clear why many people pose strong belief on this point of view.

After the evaluation of these two areas, it is believed that vital experts: doctors and engineers should be aggrandized, in order to encourage them to contribute more to their society and country. It is thus hoped that the prominent individuals, rather than sport personnel, will be treated according to the notion mentioned in this essay.

words : 274

[SpeakWriteAcademy]

Hi there,

I can follow your logic. You are right that there are grammatical areas (some more the style of writing) scattered throughout, which you should be cautious of, for example:
- ‘as the elite sport professionals are very few’, I suggest ‘there are very few elite sporting professionals’
- ‘more emphasized’, I suggest ‘emphasized more’

There are quite a few 'big' words used, though some may not be used in the best way. I also caution you not to forgo fluency by inserting complicated words.

I hope this helps.

Keep practising, keep trying, and you will keep on improving!

[jesus]

Hi there,

I can follow your logic. You are right that there are grammatical areas (some more the style of writing) scattered throughout, which you should be cautious of, for example:
- ‘as the elite sport professionals are very few’, I suggest ‘there are very few elite sporting professionals’
- ‘more emphasized’, I suggest ‘emphasized more’

There are quite a few 'big' words used, though some may not be used in the best way. I also caution you not to forgo fluency by inserting complicated words.

I hope this helps.

Keep practising, keep trying, and you will keep on improving!

Thanks.