Please critique my letter

[terry3218]

You colleague is coming back from a vacation abroad. Write a letter to him/her and say
- Invite him/her to a party and mention the date and venue.
- Write about some good news at the office.
- Explain the reason for the party.

Dear John,

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. I am writing to invite you to a party that I will be throwing at the lavish ‘Serena Hotel’ on Madison Avenue on 25th June.

As we discussed on the telephone, I had instituted legal proceedings against my employer because he was not allowing me time off work for person reasons. I am jubilant to announce that the court has given its verdict in my favor. Further, my employer has also been ordered to pay me punitive damages for the emotional distress that I suffered from, as a result of this law suit. For the court has ordered my employer to allow me to take 15 days off work, I am delighted that I will be sitting my final exam of CPA this July.

As the outcome of the case came as a huge relief for me, I have decided to celebrate my triumph. After musing upon my options, I made a decision to throw some close friends this party.

I eagerly await your presence at the party.
Best Regards,
Sam

[larry_li]

i hv a question.

the task is asking the candidate to write about some good news at the office, but the central theme of your letter is about your victory in court against your boss, who, unless i misread, i suppose, is also your coworker's boss. except you are talking about your former employer, i doubt your victory would be widely celebrated in your current workplace.

but other than that, the letter is brilliant, cheers

[IELTSexaminer70]

Hi

This does not answer the question does it! The formality is wrong and it should be much more personal.

If they have been on holiday you should mention that.

The party you mention and the detailed information about your boss/job is really strange. As an examiner I would think you had 'memorised' certain phrases and had tried to squeeze them into a letter. I would deduct marks for that.

Think about the style of the letter and what you are trying to communicate.

Good luck and keep trying.

[terry3218]

Hi

This does not answer the question does it! The formality is wrong and it should be much more personal.

If they have been on holiday you should mention that.

The party you mention and the detailed information about your boss/job is really strange. As an examiner I would think you had 'memorised' certain phrases and had tried to squeeze them into a letter. I would deduct marks for that.

Think about the style of the letter and what you are trying to communicate.

Good luck and keep trying.

thanks for feedback. Can you give some examples of how it could have been made more informal?

[IELTSexaminer70]

Hi

If you want to improve you have to work hard:
Look at these two sentences you wrote and you tell ME why this is too formal and how you could improve it

"I am jubilant to announce that the court has given its verdict in my favor. Further, my employer has also been ordered to pay me punitive damages for the emotional distress that I suffered from, as a result of this law suit. "

Give it a go and I will then remark.

Good Luck!

[pavanvandaal]

This letter doesn't look like a good one, i mean if you had some good news in office you wouldn't so depressed. Once i had a problem with my letter and couldn't make a structure for it and used essay writing services, fast student wrote me a answer, probably he was a student as his answer was very informal, he gave me a very good advice, that i can just write to the friend of mine and the letter will look more organic.

[terry3218]

I have made another attempt at it. Please let me know what do you make of this letter.

You colleague is coming back from a vacation abroad. Write a letter to him/her and say
- Invite him/her to a party and mention the date and venue.
- Write about some good news at the office.
- Explain the reason for the party.


Dear John,

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. I'm writing to invite you to a party at my place, and to share an awesome news with you.

You see, my other colleagues and I have been trying to persuade Mr. Smithson to grant us permission to take a trip to a near-by ski resort, which is now granted. This news comes as a much need relief as we all were so dead on our feet from working long and tedious hours. This ski resort is one of a kind as there are a myriad of other activities such as paint ball and fine dining. I'm sure as an ardent gourmet, you'd be relishing at this. As an icing on the cake, Mr. Smithson has also given us a day off on the next day of the trip to unwind from the trip.

In addition to that, I am joyous to tell you that my family and I have finally made our long awaited move to our new home on Madison avenue. The neighborhood is picture perfect and a bunch of famous celebrities live here too, including one of your football idols. The party will take place at 7 p.m on 25th June at our new crib.

As I have got loads of other invitations to send out and a ridiculously high number of phone calls to make I will sign off this letter.

Looking forward to catch up with you soon.

Best Regards,
Sam

[IELTSexaminer70]

Hi

I will look at a few parts of this letter to help.

Dear John,
Hi John

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.
How are you? Are you feeling refreshed after your trip?
I hope you had a really good holiday and enjoyed your time off from work. I am so jealous! Anyway, ...

I'm writing to invite you to a party at my place,

do you fancy coming to a house warming party at my new place next Tuesday? I really hope you can make it.


By the way, I have also got some great news about work.

You see, my other colleagues and I me and all the guys from work have been trying to persuade Mr. Smithson to grant us permission to take let us go on a trip to a near-by ski resort, which is now granted. This is too formal- "which he has finally agreed to"
This news comes as a much need relief as we all were so dead on our feet from working long and tedious hours.
This is a grammatically correct sentence and it uses good vocabulary but again is inappropriate and too formal. Better..."We have all been so busy over the past few weeks so this it brilliant news"

Think about who you are writing to and what language is appropriate. Keep it simple. Keep it informal if it is to a friend.

Good Luck

[avijit_05]

Hi
Can you please provide feedback on my attempt.


Hi Kate,
I hope you enjoying your vacation and hope this letter finds you in a good mood. I am writing this to invite you to a party and tell you good news in office.

We have decided to celebrate my son's first birthday. Although he completed his one year mark in March we were not able to celebrate due to work pressure. Therefore, as this time when workload is less, we have decided to celebrate his birthday in a farm house. You and your family are cordially invited in the party. It will be a two days event at Dream House Farmhouse in Redfern. We will start on 17 July Saturday morning and return on Sunday night. I would suggest you to bring your swimming accessories with you.

In addition to that, there is an exciting news to cheer about. After a long time our company has won a contract from prestigious finance firm Bain. This is five year long contract and we will provide legal support to our new client. According to me this will bring lot of goodwill to our company , as Bain has excellent reputation in market.

Well that's all for now.
Looking forward to seeing you in party .

Cheers,
Allan

[reidun]

Hi terry3218,

I just have one short little comment on clearity.

you are inviting some friends to a party, and suddenly out of the blue you are having an exam? It does not fit with the rest of the text

this is the setence I'm refering to:
For the court has ordered my employer to allow me to take 15 days off work, I am delighted that I will be sitting my final exam of CPA this July.

to solve this you would either Write more about this exam or drop it all together.

hope this is helpful

[terry3218]

Hi

I will look at a few parts of this letter to help.

Dear John,
Hi John

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.
How are you? Are you feeling refreshed after your trip?
I hope you had a really good holiday and enjoyed your time off from work. I am so jealous! Anyway, ...

I'm writing to invite you to a party at my place,

do you fancy coming to a house warming party at my new place next Tuesday? I really hope you can make it.


By the way, I have also got some great news about work.

You see, my other colleagues and I me and all the guys from work have been trying to persuade Mr. Smithson to grant us permission to take let us go on a trip to a near-by ski resort, which is now granted. This is too formal- "which he has finally agreed to"
This news comes as a much need relief as we all were so dead on our feet from working long and tedious hours.
This is a grammatically correct sentence and it uses good vocabulary but again is inappropriate and too formal. Better..."We have all been so busy over the past few weeks so this it brilliant news"

Think about who you are writing to and what language is appropriate. Keep it simple. Keep it informal if it is to a friend.

Good Luck

Thanks a lot for feedback. I guess I should try to more simplistic in informal letters, but the trouble is, at least for me, there is a thin line between being informal and being too informal. I reckon, I'll have to read a dozen more sample letters thoroughly to really come to grips with these letters

[terry3218]

Hi terry3218,

I just have one short little comment on clearity.

you are inviting some friends to a party, and suddenly out of the blue you are having an exam? It does not fit with the rest of the text

this is the setence I'm refering to:
For the court has ordered my employer to allow me to take 15 days off work, I am delighted that I will be sitting my final exam of CPA this July.

to solve this you would either Write more about this exam or drop it all together.

hope this is helpful

I should have been more circumspect with that. You're right, it does not add up