Please make the correction and give the possible band score. PLEASE >>>>>>>>>>

[faruk079]

Question: You will move to a new city for work. You know some people who live there.
• Ask them for help finding accommodation
• Tell them where you would like to live
• Tell them the type of place you are looking for

Answer:
Dear Sir,

I am going to join in APC in Canberra, Australia on 01st July, 2015. I am writing this letter to let you know that I need some assistance from you regarding my residence there. My flight will arrive in Canberra on 30th June, 2015. It would be so kind of you if you could arrange a house for me in Canberra. The payment and other formalities will be completed after my arrival.

I would love to reside in west side of the town where you live in. As that area is nearby the sea, I can enjoy my weekend.

A one room with a kitchen and a bathroom will suffice my requirements. Also, an empty yard in front of the house will be appreciated but not mandatory. I do not want to share either my rooms or any other items of my house with anyone.

I hope that I will get positive response from you as soon as possible.

Yours faithfully
Faruqe Ahmed

[Flick]

Question: You will move to a new city for work. You know some people who live there.
• Ask them for help finding accommodation
• Tell them where you would like to live
• Tell them the type of place you are looking for

Answer:

Dear Sir,(<-- this is very formal if you are writing to a friend in the new city. Maybe use a name instead, eg. 'Dear Tony')

I am going to join APC in Canberra, Australia on 1st July, 2015. I am writing this letter to let you know that I need some assistance from you regarding my residence there.(<--Reword to: "I am writing to ask for your help finding accommodation. My flight will arrive in Canberra on 30th June, 2015. It would be so kind of you if you could arrange a house for me in Canberra.(<--this is asking a lot. It would be better to say "Are you able to help me find a house before I arrive?") Rent and other formalities will be completed after my arrival.

I would love to live on the west side of the town close to you. As that area is near the sea, I can enjoy my weekends.

A one room house with a kitchen and a bathroom would be perfect. Also, an empty yard in front of the house would be appreciated but not mandatory. I do not want to share either my rooms or any other items of my house with anyone.

I hope that I will get positive response from you as soon as possible.

Yours faithfully
Faruqe Ahmed