IELTS GENERAL WRITING LETTER (BAND 8 REQD) - Evaluate please

[faty]

Q. You are to start a new to next week but you will not be able to because you have some problem.
Write a letter to your new employer . In your letter,
1. explain your situation
2. Describe your position.
3. Tell him/her when you think you can start.

Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Fatima Hasan and I am writing in connection to the recent job position that I have been offered as a "Project Engineer at your prestigious organisation. Unfortunately, I have incurred a severe leg injury due to which, I am instructed to take complete bed rest. I would, therefore, need your support to extend the date of joining.

As agreed with mutual consent, I am obliged to join the project department from 4th July, one week from now. However, the accident occurred two day back made my condition worst. I am unable to walk and my doctor suggests complete bed rest of at least 10 days. My ability to walk again without any hassle is subjected to how fast I am recovering.

In lieu of it, I had requested my current employer to terminate my notice period that has been positively done. I am now seeking your support to extend my date of joining to 20th July. I am expecting to get completely fit by then and can join with great enthusiasm and fresh mind. I really hope this does not spoil our esteemed relationship and looking to have your positive feedback in this regard.

Yours sincerely,
Fatima Hasan

[faty]

can someone please evaluate it? is it worth 8 bands?

[Dr.Matthew]

Dear Fatima. Close, but still probably not quite there....7.5? Why...well, imo, 8 is the new 9 . To achieve any grade 8+ the number of errors/awkward phrasing <3...I know that's a little harsh, but to achieve 8 (and in spite of what the descriptors indicate), your writing needs to be near-perfect. A very good effort though, with just a handful of errors etc.

[faty]

Hey Thanks alot for the feedback. I am trying to improve

[borowik]

you're going well with that one

[faty]

Hey Thanks.

I am noting the suggestions/improvements and will share other writings soon.

[Flick]

Q. You are to start a new to next week but you will not be able to because you have some problem.
Write a letter to your new employer . In your letter,
1. explain your situation
2. Describe your position.
3. Tell him/her when you think you can start.

Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Fatima Hasan and I am writing in connection to the recent job position that I have been offered as a Project Engineer at your prestigious organisation. Unfortunately, I have suffered a severe leg injury due to which, I am instructed to take complete bed rest. I would, therefore, need your support to extend the date of joining.(<--Reword to: "Because of this, I need to request a later start date.")

As agreed with mutual consent, I am obliged to join the project department from 4th July, one week from now.(<--Reword to: "My original start date was to be July 4th, one week from now.") However, the accident occurred two day back made my condition worst.(<--Reword to: "However, the accident occurred two days ago, and my doctor has isntructed me to take at least ten days of bed rest.") I am unable to walk and my doctor suggests complete bed rest of at least 10 days.(<--Delete this sentence.) My ability to walk again without any hassle is subjected to how fast I am recovering.(<--Delete this sentence. It is unnecessary information that can be inferred by the employer.)

In lieu of it, I had requested my current employer to terminate my notice period that has been positively done.(<--I do not understand this sentence.) I am now seeking your support to extend my start date to 20th July. I am expecting to completely recover by then and can join with great enthusiasm and a fresh mind. I really hope this does not spoil our esteemed relationship and am looking to receiving your positive feedback in this regard.

Yours sincerely,
Fatima Hasan

[faty]

Thanks a lot. I guess i am not good in forming grammatical structures

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Q. You are to start a new to next week but you will not be able to because you have some problem.
Write a letter to your new employer . In your letter,
1. explain your situation
2. Describe your position.
3. Tell him/her when you think you can start.

Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Fatima Hasan and I am writing in connection to the recent job position that I have been offered as a "Project Engineer at your prestigious organisation. Unfortunately, I have incurred a severe leg injury due to which, I am instructed to take complete bed rest. I would, therefore, need your support to extend the date of joining.

As agreed with mutual consent, I am obliged to join the project department from 4th July, one week from now. However, the accident occurred two day back made my condition worst. I am unable to walk and my doctor suggests complete bed rest of at least 10 days. My ability to walk again without any hassle is subjected to how fast I am recovering.

In lieu of it, I had requested my current employer to terminate my notice period that has been positively done. I am now seeking your support to extend my date of joining to 20th July. I am expecting to get completely fit by then and can join with great enthusiasm and fresh mind. I really hope this does not spoil our esteemed relationship and looking to have your positive feedback in this regard.

Yours sincerely,
Fatima Hasan

Personally, I try to avoid starting sentences with basic words like "I" - you could also try adding some Advanced Vocabulary For Starting IELTS Writing Sentences.

For instance, you began a sentence with "I would, therefore" and could change that to: "Following on from this, I would therefore need...".

All the best.

[faty]

Wow this is helpful.Thanks alot