please asses my WRITING TASK 1. (expected band = 7)

[jesus]

The charts below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart
shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people
think the costs of adult education should be shared.
Write a report for a university lecturer, describing the information shown below.

words = 171

The first chart depicts the purpose why elders choose to study and the pie chart exhibits the perception of people about the expense of adult education categories as percentage. The first chart details the several reasons for study, while the pie chart explains different areas where cost of each individual session should be segregated.

Looking at the first chart, it is clear that elders who have interest in subject peaks at 40%, whereas the reason to meet people bottoms at 9%. Likewise, 38% of them study to gain qualification. However, those with the intention to be able change jobs are 12%. Although 22% of adults find it helpful for current job, who entail to improve prospects of promotion and enjoy learning or studying are halved at 20%.

The pie chart displays 40% of individuals are involved for the expenses of adult education. In addition to this, the considerable percentage of employers and one-fourth of the taxpayers are immersed at 35% and 25%, respectively. The overall scheme of cost distribution seems plausible.

[Flick]

The charts below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart
shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people
think the costs of adult education should be shared.
Write a report for a university lecturer, describing the information shown below.

words = 171

The first chart depicts the reasons why elders choose to study, and the pie chart exhibits the perception of people about the expense of adult education categories as percentages. The first chart details the several reasons for study, while the pie chart explains different areas where cost of each individual session should be segregated.(<--This is repeating what was said in the first two sentences.)

Looking at the first chart, it is clear that elders who have interest in subject peaks at 40%, whereas the reason to meet people bottoms at 9%.(<--Reword to: "The most popular reason for adults returning to study is interest in a subject. 40% of the people surveyed gave this as their reason. The lowest reason, at 9%, is to meet people.") Likewise, 38% of adults study to gain a qualification. However, those with the intention of changing jobs account for 12%. Although 22% of adults find it helpful for their current job, those who wish to improve prospects of promotion and enjoy learning or studying only account for 20%.

The pie chart displays 40% of individuals are involved for the expenses of adult education.(<--Reword to: "The pie chart shows that people believe the individual should be responsible for 40% of the cost of their education.") In addition to this, the considerable percentage of employers and one-fourth of the taxpayers are immersed at 35% and 25%, respectively.(<--Reword to: "The remaining costs could be split, with employers paying 35% and taxpayers paying 25%.") The overall scheme of cost distribution seems plausible.

[jesus]

Thank you.