Hello everyone , i'm Anna and i'm going to sit in March 1st IELTS in Qingdao, China. Pretty much panicking about writing module and as my writing skills arent well crafted. I posted a Writing Task 1 from Cambridge 1 Writing Test 1. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Sample Test 1
The Chart Below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reason why adult decide to study. The pie chart shows how the people think the costs of adult education should be shared.
Answer:
These charts illustrate the various reasons for which adults plan to persuade study and their stance on how their fee should be financed.
The bar chart indicates seven distinctive motives behind adults decision to study. According to the survey, interest in subject remained the essential and widespread cause as mentioned by forty percent of grownups. Another underlying motive of adult education,reported by thirty-eight percent of adults, was to gain certification. Subsequently, twenty-two percent of the interviewees expressed that such a venture will improve productivity in their on-going jobs.
However twenty percent of adults wanted to study as to boost chances of promotion in their respective fields. Similarly twenty percent of the individuals regarded academic enjoyment as their sole reason. Furthermore, being able to change job was the goal admitted by twelve percent of adults. Nevertheless, the least popular reason of adult education, reported by nine percent of people in this survey , was to meet people.
And the following pie chart concedes the view of people on how to distribute cost of adult education. The major proportion (forty percent) of the academic fee would be paid by the adult students. While the employer and the taxpayer would be responsible for funding thirty-five and twenty-five respectively.
Overall it is clear that most adults chose to study due to their related interest and passion for education. Meanwhile people also demand a partial financial assistance from their employers and the taxpayer body to support their study cost.
Please comment my Writing Task 1
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anna.chang
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Please comment my Writing Task 1
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SyntaxFox
- IELTS Instructor
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Re: Please comment my Writing Task 1
Hi Anna, thanks for posting. I've gone through your Task 1 response, and I think you've done well. No need to panic!
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
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These charts illustrate the various reasons why (<-- ‘why’ is more concise.) adults have chosen to study, (<-- ‘persuade’ doesn’t make sense here.) and their stance on how to finance their education. (<-- This makes more sense, and flows better.)
The bar chart indicates seven distinctive motives behind adults’ decision to study. According to the survey, having an interest in the subject (<-- The text on the charts isn’t in full sentences, so you need to reword it.) is essential for (<-- Concise sentences help demonstrate confidence with English.) forty percent of adults. (<-- ‘grownups’ is too informal.) As a result, twenty percent of the individuals regarded academic enjoyment as their sole reason for studying. (<-- I have reordered some sentences so your essay flows better. I grouped all the job-related reasons (qualifications, productivity, promotion chance, and changing job) in the next paragraph.)
Another underlying motive of adult education, reported by thirty-eight percent of adults, was to gain certification. Subsequently, twenty-two percent of the interviewees expressed that such a venture will improve productivity in their present jobs. (<-- ‘on-going’ isn’t the right word here – you need a synonym for ‘current’.) In addition, twenty percent of adults wanted to study in order to increase their (<-- ‘boost’ is a little informal.) chances of promotion in their respective fields. However, (<-- ‘furthermore’ doesn’t make sense here because it implies a link between the reason in this sentence and the reason in the previous one. While the motivations are both job-related, they are separate from one another.) being able to change jobs was the goal admitted by twelve percent of adults.
The (<-- ‘Nevertheless’ doesn’t make sense here. Again, it implies a non-existent link between the two sentences.) least popular reason of adult education, reported by nine percent of people in the survey, was to meet people. (<-- I separated this sentence from the previous paragraph because it isn’t work-related.)
Alongside the reasons for studying, the (<-- In formal writing, don’t start a sentence with ‘and’. I have replaced it with a phrase that improves the flow of the text.) pie chart (<-- ‘the following pie chart’ implies that you are going to include a pie chart after this sentence!) illustrates (<-- ‘concedes’ doesn’t make sense here.) how people feel the cost of adult education should be distributed. (<-- I reordered your words to improve the flow.) The major proportion (forty percent) of the academic fee would be paid by the adult students, while (<-- These sentences flow better when they are joined together.) employers and taxpayers (<-- While the pie chart says ‘employer’ and ‘taxpayer’, in your essay it’s grammatically correct to make the words plural.) would be responsible for funding thirty-five and twenty-five percent respectively.
Overall, it is clear that most adults chose to study due to their passion for the subject, or to gain a qualification. (<-- Saying that most adults had a ‘passion for education’ is wrong – the bar chart shows that only twenty percent felt this way. The top two reasons were ‘interest in subject’ and ‘to gain qualifications’.) Mature students (<-- ‘meanwhile’ is unnecessary here.) also demand (<-- No need for ‘a’. Also, ‘partial assistance’ doesn’t make sense – either they provide assistance, or they don’t.) financial assistance from their employers and the taxpayer body to support their study costs.
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My advice to you is to pay close attention to how your writing flows. When discussing results from charts, it's helpful to group similar results together - like work-related ones, for example.
Also, watch out for words like 'nevertheless', 'similarly' and 'furthermore'. They're good words, so don't stop using them - but it's important to know that they are always used to link sentences that are related. 'Furthermore' is used to add more information about something you're just said, for example.
Keep practising, and good luck on 1st March!
SyntaxFox
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
----
These charts illustrate the various reasons why (<-- ‘why’ is more concise.) adults have chosen to study, (<-- ‘persuade’ doesn’t make sense here.) and their stance on how to finance their education. (<-- This makes more sense, and flows better.)
The bar chart indicates seven distinctive motives behind adults’ decision to study. According to the survey, having an interest in the subject (<-- The text on the charts isn’t in full sentences, so you need to reword it.) is essential for (<-- Concise sentences help demonstrate confidence with English.) forty percent of adults. (<-- ‘grownups’ is too informal.) As a result, twenty percent of the individuals regarded academic enjoyment as their sole reason for studying. (<-- I have reordered some sentences so your essay flows better. I grouped all the job-related reasons (qualifications, productivity, promotion chance, and changing job) in the next paragraph.)
Another underlying motive of adult education, reported by thirty-eight percent of adults, was to gain certification. Subsequently, twenty-two percent of the interviewees expressed that such a venture will improve productivity in their present jobs. (<-- ‘on-going’ isn’t the right word here – you need a synonym for ‘current’.) In addition, twenty percent of adults wanted to study in order to increase their (<-- ‘boost’ is a little informal.) chances of promotion in their respective fields. However, (<-- ‘furthermore’ doesn’t make sense here because it implies a link between the reason in this sentence and the reason in the previous one. While the motivations are both job-related, they are separate from one another.) being able to change jobs was the goal admitted by twelve percent of adults.
The (<-- ‘Nevertheless’ doesn’t make sense here. Again, it implies a non-existent link between the two sentences.) least popular reason of adult education, reported by nine percent of people in the survey, was to meet people. (<-- I separated this sentence from the previous paragraph because it isn’t work-related.)
Alongside the reasons for studying, the (<-- In formal writing, don’t start a sentence with ‘and’. I have replaced it with a phrase that improves the flow of the text.) pie chart (<-- ‘the following pie chart’ implies that you are going to include a pie chart after this sentence!) illustrates (<-- ‘concedes’ doesn’t make sense here.) how people feel the cost of adult education should be distributed. (<-- I reordered your words to improve the flow.) The major proportion (forty percent) of the academic fee would be paid by the adult students, while (<-- These sentences flow better when they are joined together.) employers and taxpayers (<-- While the pie chart says ‘employer’ and ‘taxpayer’, in your essay it’s grammatically correct to make the words plural.) would be responsible for funding thirty-five and twenty-five percent respectively.
Overall, it is clear that most adults chose to study due to their passion for the subject, or to gain a qualification. (<-- Saying that most adults had a ‘passion for education’ is wrong – the bar chart shows that only twenty percent felt this way. The top two reasons were ‘interest in subject’ and ‘to gain qualifications’.) Mature students (<-- ‘meanwhile’ is unnecessary here.) also demand (<-- No need for ‘a’. Also, ‘partial assistance’ doesn’t make sense – either they provide assistance, or they don’t.) financial assistance from their employers and the taxpayer body to support their study costs.
----
My advice to you is to pay close attention to how your writing flows. When discussing results from charts, it's helpful to group similar results together - like work-related ones, for example.
Also, watch out for words like 'nevertheless', 'similarly' and 'furthermore'. They're good words, so don't stop using them - but it's important to know that they are always used to link sentences that are related. 'Furthermore' is used to add more information about something you're just said, for example.
Keep practising, and good luck on 1st March!
SyntaxFox
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anna.chang
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Sat Feb 22, 2014 5:51 am
Re: Please comment my Writing Task 1
Thank you so much for your guidance. You were a great help.