Please comment and rate this writing task 2- essay

[ansh3091]

Please review this writing task 2. Do suggest which band I may get based on this. Suggestions are welcomed.
Question:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need
music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the
International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
You should write at least 250 words.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples
and relevant evidence.

Answer:
Several music forms exist in the contemporary world, for example, classical, rock, semi-classical etc. These music forms provide sense of mental relaxation in one or the other way, when many modern societies are suffering from worries.In recent times there has been much debate regarding the importance of traditional music over international music. This essay examines both the categories, and concludes the importance of both the art forms.
Many people support the argument of preserving classical music art and valuing its importance. The principal reason is this art form is often believed as the life of any country's culture.In addition, it is important to keep this art for alive and progressive. Due to these noteworthy points, government implements several strong steps so as to conserve this art form.For example,
establishment of music schools, provision of free of cost training, and structurally and financially supporting the music concerts.
On the other hand, several people believe that status of international music considerably outweighs the importance of classical music. Some of the reasons behind this argument are, commercial gains involved with international music are huge, this art form is widely accepted by the audience around the globe.Not only the advertising of this art form is carried out at a grand scale, but also it is created by keeping in mind wide variety of cultures prevailing
in the world.
To summarize, certainly, understanding the importance of music in our lives is imperative. In my opinion, existence of both the music art forms is vital in today's continuously evolving world.

[bas]

Hi Ansh,

Your essay is good, but it is missing specific examples in your body paragraphs. If you include those and connect them to your thesis, your task achievement score will be much higher. Ryan's blog and videos explain this very well. I would recommend watching some of the videos in this playlist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AS-F1v ... pfreload=1

I hope this helps.

Bas

[1253453]

Several music forms exist in the contemporary world, for example, classical, rock, semi-classical etc. ???????????????????????????????

Why are u giving examples in ur introduction ? are u stupid ?

[1253453]

shit i see u also ve written a detailed information in ur introduction !Ur essay would get 7-7.5 if u consider also a essay structure rules!

[ansh3091]

Thanks a lot for your suggestions.
This was my first attempt. From next time, I will incorporate your worthy points.