Task 2 Writing (Target Band 8+)

[bas]

Hello all,

I would appreciate any feedback on my writing and which band level it would achieve.

Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?


The younger generations have been scrutinized by their increasingly violent behavior nowadays. Many sources place the blame for these inappropriate actions on the media. However, the news outlets should not be the focus of attention. Governments and parents should be the primary targets of this argument.

Firstly, it is the government’s duty to reduce tensions that lead to these bad habits developing with the youth community. In Detroit, for example, poor economic and social conditions have led to friction in the society that leads to increased injury and death rate among younger citizens. It is the sole responsibility of the government to improve the average socioeconomic status of its residents. This would result in reduced crime rates among the youth.

Secondly, the parents must sway their children towards a safer and more viable future. For instance, the Mormon youth community in Utah is included in the demographic with the lowest crime rates in the region. Mormon families are known to have extensive persuasion in their children’s growth towards a successful adulthood. Other parents can learn from this excerpt and set a good example for their own kids’ future. These kids would be less likely to commit fraudulent acts with proper parental guidance.

In conclusion, it is the responsibility of governments and parents to stray the youth away from harmful behavior in the community. Therefore, the media is not the main culprit of this topic. I would recommend governments to implement more youth clubs and parents to be more involved in the steps towards their children’s future.

Word count: 256

Thank you,

Bas

[ansh3091]

hi bas,

Your essay is complete in almost all respects. I believe its a good example of an essay which is cohesive as well as coherent. I am not a tutor but as per my knowledge and experience you should get an 8+. However, there is always scope for improvements.

regards,
Anshuman

[bas]

Anshuman,

Thank you for the kind words and motivation! I will keep working on my writing to improve it everyday.

Kind regards,

Bas

[1253453]

Hey there BAS.Your essay is perfect.But, i have several suggestions

I have noticed that you have given two examples for your two bodies.It would be okay for from 7.5 to 8.0.However as you are aiming 8+ it would be good if you include examples in only one of them.

Secondly the phrase "IN DETROIT" reduces down your score -it would be nice if you ve written in "IN THE CITY OF DETROIT" otherwise it will sound rude!

At all,ur structure and introduction,conclusion is perfect,particularly that u ve given ur recomendation in the last sentence is awesome !

Overall,ur score is 7.5 - 8.0 but no more!
BAS please share ur other essays with us - I'd assessed them too!

[bas]

Hi 1253453,

Thank you for your comments and suggestions!

What you say about the examples is interesting, I have been following English Ryan's essay structure and he recommends using examples in both of the body paragraphs. If I remove one of the examples, what would you recommend I say instead? I am just on the border of 250 words so removing the example would put my essay under the word count requirement.

I did not realize how bad it sounds to just say "In Detroit," thank you for that recommendation.

I did not want to spam the board with my essay samples but I suppose I could put a few more if others are interested.

Thanks again,

Bas

[1253453]

If u have paid attention before;With the questions of essays there are kinda tasks:Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Maybe,give reasons !

[1253453]

Yeap,I am right,ur bodies lack of reasons :which could answer the question "WHY".It is the government’s duty to reduce tensions ----WHY???

I do not know have seen it before,however I'm going to share a link with you which is about 9 band essay!Here it is http://www.goodluckielts.com/IELTS-sample-essay.html

Look at bodies in both of them you can see phrases:for example and for instanse,but in the first one there is a reason as i said !

[bas]

I see, thank you for that link and explanation.

[terry3218]

Great essay, I wish you do get 8+ bands. And do let us know when your result comes out.