Writing task 2. Please help me assess

[kiaconchim]

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people believe that we should not help people in the other countries as long as there are problems in our own society. I disagree with this view because I believe that we should try to help as many people as possible.

On the one hand, I accept that it is important to help our neighbours and fellow citizens. In most communities, there are people who are impoverished or disadvantaged in some ways. It is possible to find homeless people, for example, in even the wealthiest of cities. And for those who are concerned about this problem, there are usually opportunities to volunteer time or give money to support these people. In the UK, people can help in a variety of ways, from donating clothing to serving free food in a soup kitchen. As the problems are on our doorstep, and there are obvious ways to help, I can understand why some people feel that we should prioritise local charity.

At the same time, I believe that we have an obligation to help those who live beyond our national borders. In some countries, the problems that people face are much more serious than those in our own communities, and it is often even easier to help. For example, when children are dying from curable diseases in African countries, governments and individuals in richer countries can save lives simply by paying for vaccines that already exist. A small donation to an international charity might have a much greater impact than helping in our local area.

In conclusion, it is true that we cannot help everyone, but in my opinion, national boundaries should not stop us from helping those who are in need.

P/s: This is not my writing.

[saqibali]

Attempt on topic is bit weak

[Flick]

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people believe that we should not help people in the other countries as long as there are problems in our own society. I disagree with this view because I believe that we should try to help as many people as possible.

On the one hand, I accept that it is important to help our neighbours and fellow citizens. In most communities, there are people who are impoverished or disadvantaged in some ways. It is possible to find homeless people, for example, in even the wealthiest of cities. And for those who are concerned about this problem, there are usually opportunities to volunteer their time or give money to support these people. In the UK, people can help in a variety of ways, from donating clothing to serving free food in soup kitchens. As the problems are on our doorstep, and there are obvious ways to help, so I can understand why some people feel that we should prioritise local charity.

At the same time, I believe that we have an obligation to help those who live beyond our national borders. In some countries, the problems that people face are much more serious than those in our own communities, and it is often even easier to help. For example, when children are dying from curable diseases in African countries, governments and individuals in richer countries can save lives simply by paying for vaccines that already exist. A small donation to an international charity might have a much greater impact than helping in our local area.

In conclusion, it is true that we cannot help everyone, but in my opinion, national boundaries should not stop us from helping those who are in need.

P/s: This is not my writing.

Really well written.

[kiaconchim]

As it should be, cuz it's a model answer. My question here is, the way he supports his ideas is just like the answer for "discuss both view and your opinion" type of question, when this question is "to what extent do you agree or disagree?". I thought for this type of question, we should use the main body only to support our main opinion (either disagree or agree), and there's no need to discuss the rationale of the opponents' point of view.

Why is it here that he discusses both view and still acceptable?

[sos1947]

You should see Ryan's ielts videos, it will help. Also do not use "I" always use third person approach. Ryan talks about this.

For example instead of writing "I believe" you can write "it is generally believed". "we" is also discouraged in academic writing.