Please randomly rate my General Writing Task 1

[faty]

You have seen an advertisement in an English newspaper for a job working in the City Museum shop during the holidays.
You decide to apply for the job. Write a letter to the director of the Museum. In your letter:
• introduce yourself
• explain what experience and special skills you have
• explain why you are interested in the job

************************************************************************************************************************************
Dear Sir/Madam,
I, Fatima Hasan, currently in the final year of my undergraduate studies from ”Hilton School of Arts” would like to offer my services for a job position at City Museum Shop advertised in “The Daily News” this Saturday i.e. 24th February 2015.

I am recently working on different antique sculptures as my final year project and would therefore like to utilize my summer holidays in a proficient manner to galvanize my interest in this field. Working at your shop will help to explore different historic designs and also understand market interest.

I have an experience of selling and advertising my designs at different events and possess strong communication skills that you might be looking for. Also, I value customer sentiments and have a proven record of building strong customer relationships in different festivals.

Working at your shop will not only benefit my learning experience by exploring inventory but I can also help in increasing your demand through advertisements as I have expertise in graphic designing as well. I meet the job requisites and will meet your expectations. Please contact me at 009234576890 so we can further talk about this vacancy.

Yours sincerely,
Fatima Hasan

[faty]

can some one please rate it. I just need the band i can get?

[Flick]

You have seen an advertisement in an English newspaper for a job working in the City Museum shop during the holidays.
You decide to apply for the job. Write a letter to the director of the Museum. In your letter:
• introduce yourself
• explain what experience and special skills you have
• explain why you are interested in the job

************************************************************************************************************************************
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am currently in the final year of my undergraduate studies and would like to offer my services for the position at the City Museum Shop advertised in “The Daily News” this Saturday, 24th February, 2015.

I have recently been working on different antique sculptures as my final year project and would like to utilize my summer holidays in a proficient manner to galvanize my interest in this field. Working at your shop will help me to explore different historic designs and also understand market interest.

I have experience selling and advertising my designs at different events and possess strong communication skills that you might be looking for. Also, I value customer service and have a proven record of building strong customer relationships at different festivals.

Working at your shop will not only benefit my learning experience by exploring inventory, but I can also help in increasing your demand through advertisements as I have expertise in graphic design as well. I meet the job requisites and will meet your expectations. Please contact me at 009234576890 so we can speak further about this vacancy.

Yours sincerely,
Fatima Hasan

[faty]

hey thanks flick

[swirusek]

not many mistakes

[Dr.Matthew]

Yes, I also agree...pretty good...some of your word choices are a little "artificial" (as in "unnatural"), but in terms of task response + accuracy, it's a good effort.

Fatima, this is the second letter of yours I have seen you start in this way:

I, Fatima Hasan, currently

and, it's the SECOND time I have seen FLICK rewrite it for you in a much more effective way You do get where this is heading?????

WHY, after a very good revision was offered, haven't you 'taken this onboard'???? Will you start your next Letter in this way: "I, Fatima Hasan, currently....". What's the point of offering people (FREE!!!) advice when it is ignored?

One little piece of advice I would add...the Letter is directed to the MUSEUM DIRECTOR, so this statement might require a little more care in terms of register as it is perhaps TOO familiar and NOT respectful enough:

"Please contact me at 009234576890 so we can speak further about this vacancy."

What do others think?

[faty]

Hey

Having your suggestions are always overwhelming. Thank alot. I keep reading for changes and try to bring similar style in my convos too.

But i am afraid , for e.g. this starter
"I, Fatima Hasan"...

this has been used so many times that I have learned to write in any "FORMAL LETTER WRITING" to use it this way.. Howver, flicks suggestions have been recorded as I presume to get higher bands.

I keep checking out others' writing and comments so that i can improve.

[Dr.Matthew]

Yes, understood Fatima It is difficult to change a well rehearsed opening for any of the writing tasks, but I agree wholeheartedly with Flicks on this one....if you have access to good internet and the time suits then you'd be more than welcome to join our free webinar on Friday 15th at 12 p.m (GMT + 10)

info@internationaleap.org to register asap!

where I will be discussing a series of letter writing models including a whole set of different ways you can open a letter and one model for how a leter (especially a request type letter) might develop:

Heading: Dear Sir/Madam….

Statements of Identity: My name is…
I’d like to introduce myself…

Statement of Reason: My reason in writing this letter is to….
I am writing this letter in order to…….
The purpose of this letter is to….

Statements of Facts: Last week we attended a conference…
I borrowed several books from the library
I am a student at XYZ university and…
In December, I am intending to visit…

Statements of Issue: We require copies of the conference speeches
The books are overdue now…
Without my student card I am unable to….
I need accommodation for three people for..

Statements of Resolution: If it is at all possible, could you please….
I am wondering if the library can…
The best solution would be for…
I would like to book three nights at your hotel

Statement of Deference: I realize this is an inconvenience for you…
I understand the problems my request causes
I regret causing you this inconvenience…
I hope this request is no trouble….

Statement of Importance: However, this is very important for me in order to
It is imperative that I can regain my borrowing rights
Without my student card, it is proving impossible
These are the only days we have available, so

Statement of Thanks: I would be grateful if you could give this matter
Please accept my thanks in anticipation of your
I would greatly appreciate your help in assisting me
Thank you in advance for your assistance in helping

Statement of Signing-off: I look forward to hearing from you
I look forward to your earliest response
Please contact me at your earliest convenience
In anticipation of your reply

[faty]

Thanks . Let me note it down.