WRITING TASK 1 (Line Graph)

[rahm]

Hallo, I am Rahmi from Indonesia. I really need your hands to correct my essay that I made.
Actually I still not have a good writing skills even though I will take an IELTS exam in 28th March 2015.
Thanks before ^^
Skype ID : rahm.322

The line graph presents the data of books that read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library in four years period. The years are between 2011 and 2014. Overall, the highest number of books that read over four periods reached in 2014 by men.

As can be seen in the graph, there was a steady increase from 5000 books to 1000 books that read by women between 2011 and 2013. Besides, the number of books that read by men rose gradually from 2011 to 2012 (3000 books and 4000 books, respectively). After that, it boomed at 14000 books in 2014. In contrast, there was a decline from 1000 books to 8000 books that read by women between 2013 and 2014. A peak at 1000 books that read by women has the same number of books that read by men in 2013. The number of books that read by men increased dramatically than women.

line graph 1.jpg (38.78 KiB) Viewed 1630 times

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Try to use synonyms: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... g-synonyms".

"http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... r#newText2" - avoid overly repeating vocabulary, like: "books" = 13x.

Start sentences with complex words: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... -sentences".

(Personally, I would write and recommend "1,000" etc., but am not sure that is always an error for the IELTS (I use British English) - saw this link: "http://www.dailywritingtips.com/10-rule ... -numerals/".)

The line graph presents the data of books that ("were") read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library in ("a four year") four years period. The years are between 2011 and 2014. Overall, the highest number of books that ("were") read over ("the") four periods ("was") reached in 2014 by men.

As can be seen in the graph, there was a steady increase from 5000 books to 1000(?) books that ("were") read by women between 2011 and 2013. Besides, the number of books that ("were") read by men rose gradually from 2011 to 2012 (3000 books and 4000 books, respectively). After that, it boomed at 14000 books in 2014. In contrast, there was a decline from 1000 books to 8000 books that ("were") read by women between 2013 and 2014. A peak at 1000 books that ("were") read by women ("had") has the same number of books that ("were") read by men in 2013. The number of books that ("were") read by men increased dramatically ("compared to women") than women.

[rahm]

Try to use synonyms: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... g-synonyms".

"http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... r#newText2" - avoid overly repeating vocabulary, like: "books" = 13x.

Start sentences with complex words: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... -sentences".

(Personally, I would write and recommend "1,000" etc., but am not sure that is always an error for the IELTS (I use British English) - saw this link: "http://www.dailywritingtips.com/10-rule ... -numerals/".)

The line graph presents the data of books that ("were") read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library in ("a four year") four years period. The years are between 2011 and 2014. Overall, the highest number of books that ("were") read over ("the") four periods ("was") reached in 2014 by men.

As can be seen in the graph, there was a steady increase from 5000 books to 1000(?) books that ("were") read by women between 2011 and 2013. Besides, the number of books that ("were") read by men rose gradually from 2011 to 2012 (3000 books and 4000 books, respectively). After that, it boomed at 14000 books in 2014. In contrast, there was a decline from 1000 books to 8000 books that ("were") read by women between 2013 and 2014. A peak at 1000 books that ("were") read by women ("had") has the same number of books that ("were") read by men in 2013. The number of books that ("were") read by men increased dramatically ("compared to women") than women.

thanks buddy for your hands