Please assess my writing task 2..my first time here!

[Maythem]

The topic was : More people are going to universities these days than in the past, they start to work later in life but with higher qualifications.
Do you think this is a positive or a negative development ?
MY ESSAY:

Education is becoming a key requirement for almost all jobs, hence the majority of students decide to go to the university before starting their careers, although many parents may consider that their sons will start employment at older age, but many others say that with a university degree their horizons would be broaden, and they will have more chance to find a rewarding job.Arguably the point have both advantages and disadvantages.

It appears that the world of employment is escalating its demands.For instance, high school graduates face huge difficulties in finding a decent job as a result of competition with others with higher qualifications. This is why they seek to go to college and build a more substantial resume with which they can compete in the work market. Hence having a higher degree will surely increase their chances to get a respected job.

However many parents try to push their offspring to start working earlier. As an example, many families particularly those with low income encourage their sons and daughters to have a job as soon as possible, because they think this will make them more responsible and independent and at the same time increase their social skills, while going to college will delay this development, and that's why many people consider going to college is a waste of time and money.

To sum thing up, there are a lot of positive and negative aspects of delaying employment after university. Personally I believe that every high school graduate should continue his studies and acquire a university degree. not only it would be easier to get a decent job, but also the whole society would be more educated and producing.

[kiaconchim]

The topic was : More people are going to universities these days than in the past, they start to work later in life but with higher qualifications.
Do you think this is a positive or a negative development ?
MY ESSAY:

Education has become a key requirement for almost all jobs, hence the majority of students decide to go to the university before starting their careers, although many parents may consider that their sons should start employment at older age, but many others say that with a university degree their horizons would be broaden, and they will have more chance to find a rewarding job.Arguably the point has both advantages and disadvantages. (This introduction is too long, especially the first sentence - which introduces the background of the issue)

It appears that the world of employment has escalated its demands.For instance, high school graduates face huge difficulties in finding a decent job as a result of competition with others with higher qualifications. This is why they seek to go to college and build a more substantial resume with which they can compete in the work market. Hence having a higher degree will surely increase their chances to get a respected job.

However many parents try to push their offsprings to start working earlier. As an example, many families , particularly those with low income , encourage their sons and daughters to have a job as soon as possible, because they think this will make them more responsible and independent and at the same time increase their social skills, while going to college will delay this development, and that is why many people consider going to college is a waste of time and money. (Again, your second sentence is too lengthy. This whole paragraph contains only 2 sentences, which is not the way you should write. Better break it down to 3 sentences at least.)

To sum things up, there are a lot of positive and negative aspects of delaying employment after university. Personally I believe that every high school graduate should continue their studies and acquire a university degree. not only it would be easier to get a decent job, but also the whole society would be more educated and productive.

You did mention 1 advantage, but not advantages. You did not clarify the disadvantages of increased number in people going to universities (reading your third paragraph, I somewhat managed to understand 1 disadvantage, but it's not really clear).

The question asks you whether it is negative or positive, then your saying what graduates should do in the conclusion is unnecessary. In your introduction, I think you should also use "negative" and "positive", instead of "advantages", and "disadvantages".

In general, you should focus more on the structure of an essay, and try to answer only what the question asks. Improvements also can be made in the arrangement of ideas, and ideas selection.

[Maythem]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my essay...
So you mean I should put may be to positive and two negative points ??

HOW MUCH YOU THINK I WOULD SCORE !!

[kiaconchim]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my essay...
So you mean I should put may be to positive and two negative points ??

HOW MUCH YOU THINK I WOULD SCORE !!

You're welcome

What I meant back there was if you used plural words in the introduction, you should give out more than one idea in your main paragraphs. And vice versa. You know what I mean?

About your score, I'm not an examiner, and never score anyone before. But my gut feelings tell me that this one deserves a 6. You basically know the structure, but need improvements in word choices and idea arrangement, like I said before