exam on 13th December - please critique my essay

[steakpie]

**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: With the help of technology, students nowadays can learn more information and learn it more quickly. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**


Technology has been increasingly used throughout the world. This is very apparent from the fact that many students and schools use it to get access to information faster than ever before.
It is agreed that with the help of technology, students can learn more information and learn it more quickly. This will be proven by analyzing how technology is used to both better and faster teach students in classrooms, as well as how technology is used by students themselves to access to more information than they could otherwise.

Firstly, many schools in developed countries use technology to better teach their students. A very important aspect of learning is using a blend of both information and entertainment for better understanding. Students in these schools are not only taught from their text books, but also with the help of presentations, videos and other technological tools that promote a better learning experience. Such a deep level of understanding cannot be expected by merely using textbooks, since it lacks variety and entertainment. Moreover, students associate textbooks with 'studying' rather 'learning' or 'knowing'.
Thus ,by using technology, students can learn more information quickly as opposed to learning without technology.



Secondly,technology also helps students from different parts of the world get quick access to information they need. This is apparent when students from remote villages or underdeveloped countries use the power of internet to get access to information they need to prepare themselves for various examinations. For instance, a student from a remote village in Gujarat,India scored 2260 on the SAT test. When interviewed by an online SAT preparation website, he said all he ever used were ebooks and other resources he found online since the international books he needed were not available in his village, and that the big guys like amazon and ebay did not ship where he lived. He could have travelled to a city to get the books, but technology improved the speed with which he got access to the information he needed.



Following the analyzation of the use of technology in classrooms and in getting information quickly via the internet, it is evident that with the help of technology, students nowadays can learn more information and learn it more quickly. It is expected that in the technology will continue to enhance and speed up students' learning processes in the future.




______________
Got my exam in 3 days, please critique asap

[IELTS Liz]

Hi,

As your exam is only a couple of days away I'm going to give you some feedback on the essential aspects to work on.

Presenting a Clear Position
Essentially you have relevant ideas which are well supported and well organised. You've also got good grammar and vocab on the whole. However, it the way present the ideas that is the issue. This is an IELTS essay and there are certain requires you must fulfill to get a high score. One of them, one of the most important in fact, is addressing the task and presenting a clear position for an opinion essay. This means, in simple language, give a direct answer in your introduction. You have not done this. All you need to do is change your wording. Here is what your introduction should be:

Technology has been increasingly used throughout the world which is very apparent from the fact that many students and schools use it to get access to information faster than ever before. In my opinion, technology certainly allows students to learn in a better and fast way as well as help them gain access to more information that would otherwise not be accessible.

The above introduction is 62 words while yours was 88 words. That is too long for an IELTS essay when you have a maximum of 35 mins for writing ( don't forget you should use 5 mins for planning and then editing at the end). The introduction should contain a background statement which is an introduction of the topic (paraphrase the statement given) and a thesis statement which provides a direct answer. For an opinion essay, you must have your opinion stated clearly in your thesis statement.

Academic Style
Never write about he/she/we/you. Always write about people in general. Here is your example in the second body paragraph:

For instance, a student from a remote village in Gujarat,India scored 2260 on the SAT test. When interviewed by an online SAT preparation website, he said all he ever used were ebooks and other resources he found online since the international books he needed were not available in his village, and that the big guys like amazon and ebay did not ship where he lived.

Here is how it should be written:

For instance, students in remote areas rely on the internet and modern technology to such an extent that without it they would have almost no access to resources for learning. An overwhelming majority of students from remote areas learn from ebooks and websites, such as amazon, as there are no qualified teachers or well stocked libraries in their area to help them.

"like" cannot be used as a linker (for example) in an academic essay.
"guy" is not an academic word for "man"

Conclusion
Always start your conclusion with the appropriate linker - In conclusion or To conclude.

So, on the whole, if you just make the appropriate changes to your essay writing, you should do quite well. Here's a link to my task 2 video lessons which might help you understand more about IELTS essay writing:http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-task- ... ng-task-2/

Good luck
Liz

[steakpie]

Hey thanks a lot for your response, appreciate it

this one:

http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3786


I tried to address some of the mistakes in this essay....can you please tell me how it is ,and how many bands it can get,if possible?


Thanks a lot