Please help me to evaluate my second essay

[nguyenquanghuy]

Topic 74:

Currently more and more people respect elders and become convinced that older people should live with their families which is in contrast to the view that older people should live at a nursing home. What is your opinion?

In eastern countries, elders usually live with their own families, while in western countries, they normal choose to live at a nursing home. Although I am from Vietnam, an eastern country, I am personally supportive of the later thanks to following reasons.

The first reason is that there is always a gap between two generations which can demolish their relationship when they live under on roof. For instance, in my home country, older people prefer having dinner at home; meanwhile young couple usually like to eat out to save time. Obviously, the conflict may involve much bigger matters which the two generations never share the same thought. By and large, living together has a negative impact on the relationship if parents and children have very dissimilar perceptions.

Another reason is that living at home; the elderly never receive the same professional service as at nursing home where all staff is certified for their qualification of taking care older people. For example, the elderly is at times in hot temper which only patient nurses know how to deal with properly. By sending parents to a nursing home, children can still visit them every day and ensure that they are receiving the best service on ending days of their lives. Seniors are therefore best taken care in a nursing home instead of at their own home.

As suggested above, the elderly should live in a nursing home to avoid possible conflicts with their children and to receive a professional service. It is recommended that eastern countries like Vietnam or China develop a better system of nursing houses to provide older people with better living conditions.

Word Count: 276

Please tell me does it deserve a "7"?

Thank you!

[Khalidsultani]

Currently more and more people respect elders and become convinced that older people should live with their families which is in contrast to the view that older people should live at a nursing home. What is your opinion?

In eastern countries, elders usually live with their own families, while in western countries, they normaly choose to live at a nursing home. Although I am from Vietnam, an eastern country, I am personally supportive of the later opinion thanks [better use due ]to [this] following reasons.

The first reason is that there is always a gap between two generations, which can demolish their relationship when they live under on one roof. For instance, in my home country, older people prefer having dinner at home; meanwhile young couple usually like to eat out to save time. Obviously, the conflict may involve much bigger matters which the two generations never share the same thought. By and large, living together has a negative impact on the relationship if parents and children have very dissimilar perceptions [ No s].

Another reason is that living at home; the elderly never receive the same professional service as at nursing home where all staff is staffs are certified for their qualification of in taking care of older people. For example, the elderly is at times in hot temper which only patient nurses know how to deal with properly. By sending parents to a nursing home, children can still visit them every day and ensure that they are receiving the best service on ending days of their lives. Seniors are therefore best taken care in a nursing home instead of at their own home.

As suggested above [ write In conclusion] , the elderly should live in a nursing home to avoid possible conflicts with their children and to receive a professional service. It is recommended that eastern countries like Vietnam or China develop a better system of nursing houses to provide older people with better living conditions.

i couldn't check tell the end of essay due to shortage of time but i guess you essay might take 6 or below that.
1. first there are grammar mistakes.
2. there is no conclusion, as it is explained by ielts trainers if your essay do not have a conclusion you will not get band 6.

More comments could be provide by other members.

[nguyenquanghuy]

Thank Khalidsultani for your comments. I will try to improve my grammar.

I just wonder why the last paragraph is not a conclusion? I summarized my argument and made a recommendation in that one.

Best,

[Khalidsultani]

Thank Khalidsultani for your comments. I will try to improve my grammar.

I just wonder why the last paragraph is not a conclusion? I summarized my argument and made a recommendation in that one.

Best,

the point is that ielts examiner will look for keyword In Conclusion or In summary specifically, better use the first one.
watch this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EftvWVUE09M

thanks

[nguyenquanghuy]

Oh I see. Thank you, Khalidsutani.