[Task 2] Athletes and role models. Please, ¿it is a band 7?

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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AlbertGrau
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2014 1:32 am

[Task 2] Athletes and role models. Please, ¿it is a band 7?

Post by AlbertGrau »

I'll take the academic IELTS test the 4th of December. I would appreciate if someone could give me a mark out of 9. Thank you all, every suggestion will be taken into account, :)


Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while other believe they don't.

Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.


Nowadays, professional athletes are worldwide recognized and admired, setting some standards that can be recognized as good by children. In contrast, athletes can have some dangerous or bad habits. I strongly believe that famous sportsmen should be followed by their achievements, but not considered as role models out of their fields.

The path to become a top athlete is hard and demands a powerful will to overcome hard training schedules. This aspect of professional athlete’s life is an important source of inspiration for children and adults both. For example, in sports summer camps, many well known athletes visit child residences to encourage them to have active and faithful lifes. Because of that, I consider that athletes should be admired because of their professional careers.

On the other hand, despite the hard work that lies behind every successful athlete, many of them have a remarkable tendency to embrace the night life and to get on drugs. Such behaviours are exposed to the young citizenry as clearly as the sportive achievements of the athletes, distorting the public perception of what means being a great man or woman. This can lead children to behave incorrectly without being aware of what they are really doing. Therefore, I think that in the actual scenario, where private life of athletes is equally or more important than their sportive achievements, their presence as role models clearly harms the public perception of being successful in life.

To sum up, in my opinion top athletes do not make good role models because of their tendency to fall into drugs and scandals. However, this problem can be fixed by the media, limiting the public knowledge, if this were required, of the harmful behaviours of professional athletes.
Khalidsultani
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2014 7:48 pm

Re: [Task 2] Athletes and role models. Please, ¿it is a band

Post by Khalidsultani »

hi albert ,
not ielts expert but some suggestion hope it will help you .
1. good use of vocabulary.
2. good use of cohesion and cohesive devices.
3. according to ielts instructor liz , it is used to use in conclusion on your summary paragraph rather then to sum up , though both are right. [ rephrase your summary]
4.there are some singular and plural form of verbs mistakes.
5- not sure if you select multiple person as role model there are many use of role models( i guess role model shall be single person).
AlbertGrau wrote:Nowadays, professional athletes are worldwide recognized and admired, setting some standards that can be recognized as good by children. In contrast, athletes can have some dangerous or bad habits. I strongly believe that famous sportsmen should be followed by their achievements, but not considered as role models out of their fields.

The path to become a top athlete is hard and demands a powerful will to overcome hard training schedules. This aspect of professional athlete’s life is an important source of inspiration for [better move here both] children and adults both. For example, in sports summer camps, many well known athletes visit child residences to encourage them to have active and faithful lifes lives or live. Because of that, I consider that athletes should be admired because of [repeated use for] their professional careers.

On the other hand, despite the hard work that lies behind every successful athlete, many of them have a remarkable tendency to embrace the night life and to get on drugs. Such behaviours behaviors are exposed to the young citizenry as clearly as the sportive achievements of the athletes.[split your sentense] this will distort distorting the public perception of what it means of being a great man sportsman or woman sportswoman. This can lead the children to behave incorrectly without being aware of what they are really doing. Therefore, I think that in the actual scenario, where [remove it ] private life of athletes is are equally or more important than their sportive achievements, and their presence as role models clearly harms harm the public perception of being successful in life.

To sum up, in my opinion top athletes do not make good role models because of their tendency to fall into drugs and scandals. However, this problem can be fixed by the media, limiting the public knowledge, if this were required, of the harmful behaviours of professional athletes.


Rephrase.
In conclusion ,top athlete who is involved in illegal activities shall not be considered as role model. on way to reduce its impact of influence on others is to put constraint on common media so that negative behaviors are not broadcasted through them.

overall i think you can get 7 and above .
AlbertGrau
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2014 1:32 am

Re: [Task 2] Athletes and role models. Please, ¿it is a band

Post by AlbertGrau »

Thank you Khalidsultani. Your suggestions are very helpful!

Any one has nother point to discuss? :)
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Flick
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Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:06 pm

Re: [Task 2] Athletes and role models. Please, ¿it is a band

Post by Flick »

AlbertGrau wrote: Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while other believe they don't.

Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.


Nowadays, professional athletes are recognized and admired worldwide, setting standards that can be recognized as good by children. In contrast, athletes can have some dangerous or bad habits. I strongly believe that famous sportsmen should be followed for their achievements, but not considered as role models out of their fields.

The path to become a top athlete is hard and demands a powerful will to overcome challenging training schedules. This aspect of a professional athlete’s life is an important source of inspiration for children and adults both. For example, in sports summer camps, many well known athletes visit child residences to encourage them to have active and faithful lives. Because of that, I consider that athletes should be admired for their professional careers.

On the other hand, despite the hard work that lies behind every successful athlete, many of them have a remarkable tendency to embrace the night life and to take drugs. Such behaviours are exposed to the young citizenry as clearly as the sporting achievements of the athletes, distorting the public perception of what it means to be a great man or woman. This can lead children to behave incorrectly without being aware of what they are really doing. Therefore, I think that in reality, the private life of athletes is equally or more important than their sporting achievements, their presence as role models clearly harms the public perception of being successful in life.

To sum up, in my opinion top athletes do not make good role models because of their tendency to fall into drugs and scandals. However, this problem can be fixed by the media, limiting public knowledge, if this were required, of the harmful behaviours of professional athletes.
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