Task2. Need for opinion and band orientation, thanks!

[Mati]

The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home to work, education or shoping. To what extent do you agree or disagree??


Nowadays levels of greenhouse gases and their effects on the environment represent one of the main concerns of the occidental societies. One of the main sources is the traffic emissions, so to beat this problem we ought to reduce them. As there is not yet a general agreement about how, in this essay some options will be dicussed.


Many feel decreasing the need of travel to work, school or shopping will be a proper solution. For a great part of the population is impossible to walk to acomplish their daily routines, as they live too far from these places. Commonly, the most time efficient way of doing so is driving all this short trips, which at the end of the day is an important contribution of CO2 per person to the atmosphere . Thus is logic to think that reducing distance of this movements the problem can be solved.

Unfortunately, there is many counters for this solution. Firstly, we should find for each one a place to live near their working places, wich is physically impossible. And even the matter of space was solved, there is still the question that some of them may canot afford the price of that residences or that they may prefer to choose a diferent housing or a different place to stablish themselves. Then maybe the alternative solution would be reduce the number of trips that take place everyday. The problem is the only variable that can be modified is shopping, by buying bigger amounts each time instead of going so often, and that's not a change big enough for our challenge.

In conclusion, after reviewing all of this possibilities and finding the fact that needs cannot be modified, the best solution might be to change the way the needs are being satisfied. Encouraging the population to share their cars or to use more often the public transport services will be key to reduce the pollution.

[Khalidsultani]

Nowadays levels of greenhouse gases and their effects on the environment represent one of the main concerns of the occidental societies. One of the main sources is the traffic emissions, so to beat this problem we ought to reduce them. As there is not yet a general agreement about how, in this essay some options will be dicussed discussed.[Better will be- ,still there is not a single consensus on how to tackle these issues but we will discuss some of the options in below essay.]

Many feel decreasing the need of travel to work, school or shopping will be a proper solution. For a great part of the population is impossible to walk to acomplish [accomplish] their daily routines, as they live too far from these places. Commonly, the most time efficient way of doing so is driving all this short trips, which at the end of the day is an important contribution of CO2 per person to the atmosphere . Thus is [the] logic to think that reducing distance of this movements the problem can be solved.

you need to rephrase the above paragraph , not clear and does it agree or disagree with the main theme , if disagree provide alternative means of travel to work . ex: you can mention use of subway or train or private transport as you point out in your summary you can mention here, to move group of people rather then car. or provide transportation paths as alternative way.

Unfortunately [ however], there is [are] many counters for this [feasible] solution[s]. Firstly, we should find for each one a place to live near their working places, wich [which] is physically impossible. And even [if] the matter of space was solved is solved, there is still the question that some of them may [not required] can [n]ot afford the price of that residences [residential price] or that they may prefer to choose a diferent [different] housing or a different place to stablish [establish] themselves. Then maybe may the alternative solution would be [not required omit it] reduce the number of trips that take place everyday. The problem is the only variable that can be modified is shopping, by buying bigger amounts each time instead of going so often, and that's not a change big enough for our challenge.

one solution could be to buy most of items in single visit or order bunch of items through using online shopping websites.


Mati,
some suggestion.
1. you need to improve your vocabulary.
2. improve your paragraph main theme , give some real life example.
3. be careful with words and subject there are many s for singular subjects.
4. divide the above paragraph in to below structure.
1. introduction .
2. agreed points. [ give real life example and solution]
3.disagree points.[ give real life example and solution]
4. conclusion and your stance.
5. you need to write 1 topic every day ..
6- please read bbc, economist , and new york times , and see how grammar and vocabularies are used in context.

[IELTS Liz]

Hi,

You have tried hard with your essay and it shows. You have good writing skills. Here are some comments which will help you improve this essay quite easily. These comments follow the band score requirements which the IELTS examiner will use to assess your essay.

Task Response:
You need to look more clearly at the statement and at the task. This task was an essay about how to reduce the amount of traffic and the solution offered was to reduce the need for people to travel in their daily lives (work, shopping etc). Your task is to common on their solution and then possibly add other solutions to reduce the amount of traffic.If you look at the task more clearly, you will be able to discover clearer main points for your second body paragraphs. So your main points could have been:

Body Paragraph A: problems with given solution of reducing people's travel to work etc.

Body Paragraph B: Another solution - Improve public transport so that more people can use buses which will reduce the amount of private vehicles on the road.

Body Paragraph C: A final possibility - Have a traffic free zone in the center of the city.

One significant problem, you have is that you have introduced a new main point in your conclusion. This will reduce your band score in the criteria of task response. 1. there much be no new ideas given in the conclusion 2. all main points must be developed in order to get a high band score. Therefore, this point should have been in your second body paragraph.

Coherence and Cohesion:
You have good paragraphing which can get you over band score 7. However, you have few linkers in your essay. Here are some linkers to use in a solution essay: due to / owing to / by doing this / consequently / as a result / thus / so. Also, don't use "and" or "but" at the start of a sentence - these are conjunctions and come between sentences in academic writing not at the beginning. 25% of your marks is your paragraphing and linking words - don't forget your linkers

Vocabulary: You have a very good range of vocab to get band score 7 and above.

Grammar: You have a good range of complex sentences which can get you over band score 7.

Overall, work on analysing the statement and planning your main points more clearly. Also work on using linking words. It's easy to correct these problems, so you should do well in the test

For more help visit me on facebook or my blog - see below.
Regards
Liz

[Mati]

That's what I needed thanks a million for your time!!