Writing task2 essay - need opinion

[Axiom]

Can anyone read my essay and give his opinion on my text:

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art which helps to develop quality in people’s life. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree. Give your opinion.

Art, is in all its forms, is one of the most valuable expressions of human nature. For instance, painting, sculpture, theatre and cinema are some of the main reasons that make life worth living. Nevertheless, the world today demands other kind of primary necessities. It is agreed that governments should spend their money more wisely when their people are in need for other kind of basic requirements. This will be proven by showing that primary needs like health and education are essential to human life, conversely to superfluous needs like art.

As it is easily proven, if a nation’s people are not healthy enough to produce richness throughout their work, soon they will lack basic means of sustain like food, water or clothing. For instance, in the African continent, countries in the sub-Saharan region are a terrifying example of the consequence of lacking a proper healthcare system. Thus, it is believed that healthcare is a major pillar of the human survivability being more essential than art.

As far as education is concerned, imagine how art could be presented without inherent education care. Consequently, without a proper education system, art as we know it today would be impossible to exist. Hence, it can be said that art is a direct consequence of a highly educated society. Therefore, it is proven that governments should direct their budgets mainly towards education instead of art.

Overall, as the above discussion as shown, governments should primarily address areas like health and education. These are considered essential to human life and should be given priority over others, such as art. Thus, nations worldwide should take definitive measures to assure that spending money on redundant things like a painting or a sculpture should not be prioritized over education and healthcare.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

This is quite an impressive essay, with some errors.

Free tool used: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... t-analyser"

Word repetition:

"art 8
education 7
human 4
essential 3
life 3
proven 3
governments 3
healthcare 3".

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art which helps to develop quality in people’s life. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree. Give your opinion.

Art, (no "is") is in all its forms, is one of the most valuable expressions of human nature. For instance, painting, sculpture, theatre and cinema are some of the main reasons that make life worth living. Nevertheless, the world today demands other ("kinds") kind of primary necessities. It is agreed that governments should spend their money more wisely when their people are in need for other ("kinds") kind of basic requirements. This will be proven by showing that primary needs like health and education are essential to human life, conversely to superfluous needs like art.

As it is easily proven, if a nation’s people are not healthy enough to produce richness throughout their work, soon they will lack ("the") basic means of ("sustenance") sustain like food, water or clothing. For instance, in the African continent, countries in the sub-Saharan region are a terrifying example of the consequence of lacking a proper healthcare system. Thus, it is believed that healthcare is a major pillar of (no "the") the human survivability being more essential than art.

As far as education is concerned, imagine how art could be presented without inherent education care. Consequently, without a proper education system, art as we know it today would be impossible to exist. Hence, it can be said that art is a direct consequence of a highly educated society. Therefore, it is proven that governments should direct their budgets mainly towards education instead of art.

Overall, as the above discussion ("has") as shown, governments should primarily address areas like health and education. These are considered essential to human life and should be given priority over others, such as art. Thus, nations worldwide should take definitive measures to assure that spending money on redundant things like a painting or a sculpture should not be prioritized over education and healthcare.

[Axiom]

Thanks for reviewing my essay.

Can you estimate how much it could score?

[Johnson zhang]

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art which helps to develop quality in people’s life. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree. Give your opinion.


Art, is in all its forms, is one of the most valuable expressions of human nature. For instance, painting, sculpture, theatre and cinema are some of the main reasons that make life worth living. Nevertheless, the world today demands other kind of primary necessities. It is agreed that governments should spend their money more wisely when their people are in need for other kind of basic requirements. This will be proven by showing that primary needs like health and education are essential to human life, conversely to superfluous needs like art.


From your intro, I see that you think a government should budget wisely . Its primary role is providing fundamental needs to its people.

but i don't think you've made your point completely clear in your intro.

try and make you intro as clean as possible by stating your ideas clearly

good work

[IELTS Liz]

Hi,

For Task Response, you would probably get about 6.5. This is an opinion essay expressing your opinion not a discussion essay discussing what is generally believed. You also haven't actually explained why money shouldn't be spent on art.

For Coherence and Cohesion, you have done well with your paragraphing and organisation. Unfortunately, you have got an errors with linkers "Overall" is used for an overview statement in task 1, not for a conclusion in task 2.

For grammar, while you have complex language you also have a few errors. Example: Art is, in all its forms, one of the ..... Having a few errors, would limit you to band score 7 for both criteria.

For vocabulary, about band score 8 - flexible and a very good range.

Comments:
1. Have a direct answer to the statement in your introduction. If it asks for your opinion, then give your opinion.
2. Answer all aspects of the statement.
3. Use the right academic linkers - it's so easy to learn linkers and easy to avoid errors. It is important to avoid mistakes with linkers for band scores 7 and above.
Here's a video link for you about conclusion linkers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EftvWVU ... tsL95UZWYh

[Axiom]

Thanks for your insights Liz.