[Task2] Money work and life topic

[Sammie]

Hello everyone,
My name is Sam. I am from Vietnam and targeting a band score of 7.0 in IETLS writing.
Please help me correct the mistakes as well as provide the estimated band score according to your experience.
Many thanks for your warmly concern, dear!

Some people say that money can make life easier and more comfortable. But others say that having a great amount of wealth can bring some problems.
What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of having a lot of money?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

It is indisputable fact that possession of a amount of money allows people to live more conveniently; however, there are several potential dangers. The pros and cons of this issue have been debated much upon and this essay aims to highlight both.
The most obvious benefit gained from wealth is its significant encouragement towards the economic growth, which is attributed by the noticeable escalation in the individual’s productivity at work caused by their ability to afford academic programs at a wider range of prestigious academic institutes. Also, we should not forget to point out how this practice resonating with the development of technology could bring about the positive consequences on facilitating women with easier housewives’ life because the fact that due to the availability of state of the art electronic devices, hardly any housework are now totally accomplished manually. For example, according to a study conducted by the Time recently, a remarkable 30% of woman from classy families have not done housework themselves for the past 5 years.
However, we should not turn a blind eye to the expected undesirable outcomes, one of which is the increasing quantity of conflicts as well as social evils in the society, which are resulted in by the fact while siblings’ domestic conflicts may be intensified when each child trying to get a larger share of the massive inheritance upon the death of their parents, some youngsters who are lured by others’ wealth commit various crimes in pursuit of instant welfare. Another threat worth preparing for is the negative influence of this practice on children’s personality development because of parents’ prevalent misconception that greater amount of monetary support can make up for their lack of care of their children, which is blame for not only the child’s isolation to his poorer peers but also his bad behaviors due to customs of spending money without the adults’ supervision at such an early age. My cousin who was ruined by his parents’ money and convicted for snatching someone’s bag on the street for fun would serve as a concrete example.
In conclusion, it is thus imperative for people to be fully aware of both merits and pitfalls associated with money before making decision of pursuing wealth in order to increase their living standards.

[IELTS Liz]

Hi Sam,

Here are some comments to help you develop your essay further. These comments are aimed at band score 6.5 and above.

1.
Body paragraph 1: Make your main points focused. You first main point covered economics, work and education - what was your main point exactly? Your topic sentence must contain one clear main point in order to get band score 6 and above.
This main point was not sufficiently developed to get a good score in task response. Also this essay was not about wealth for the country but wealth for individuals. Here's an example of how your first body paragraph should be written:

The most obvious benefit to having money is that people are able to afford not only basic necessities but also luxuries which can be used to enhance their lives. One clear example is people being able to afford a good level of education for their children which in turn will help the children secure a better job in the future and this benefit the family. Another advantage to money is the effect it has had on the role of women in the family. With the development of household technology, money enables people to buy such technology which allows women more time so they can join the work force and contribute to society as well as the family.

Think of one clear advantage and then explain it in one more sentence. Give another advantage, use the right linker, and explain that. This is the technique for adv/ disadv essays. The examiner is looking for developed and supported ideas, not just a wide range of ideas.

2.
You have good paragraphing but you could use more linkers. Showing the examiner that you can be flexible with linking is important. Don't overuse them but you should use more than you have.

3.
All examples should be written in third person singular or plural for an academic essay. So don't write about your cousin, write about people in general. "For example, some children can be ruined by their parents money and this can result in ..."

You have good grammar and vocabulary on the whole. However, keep control of your sentences. One of your sentences was 71 words - this is too long and shows a lack of punctuation and control. Here's the example:

Another threat worth preparing for is the negative influence of this practice on children’s personality development because of parents’ prevalent misconception that greater amount of monetary support can make up for their lack of care of their children, which is blame for not only the child’s isolation to his poorer peers but also his bad behaviors due to customs of spending money without the adults’ supervision at such an early age.

You need to break it down:

Another drawback worth highlighting is the negative impact that spending too much money has on the development of a child's personality. In other words, many parents believe that by indulging children, it can make up for the lack of parental guidance but in reality this is often the actual cause of further problematic behaviour which can lead to actions bordering on criminal acts.

4.
You also need to use vocabulary relating to advantage / disadvantage. Here's a list:

advantage: benefit, gain, positive point, advantageous, beneficial, positive aspect
disadvantage: drawback, problem, issue, problematic, negative consequence / aspect.

I hope these comments help you. You're doing really well. If you need more help with IELTS visit my blog and watch some free video lessons: http://www.ieltsliz.com
All the best,
Liz

[Sammie]

Wow. The way you paraphrased my sentence amazed me a lot. Thank you so much for these precious comments. I am now subscribing for your IELTS videos. They are really helpful also.

I hope that we can keep in touch and once again thank you for your support.

Best wishes for you, Ms. Liz

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Wow. The way you paraphrased my sentence amazed me a lot. Thank you so much for these precious comments. I am now subscribing for your IELTS videos. They are really helpful also.

I hope that we can keep in touch and once again thank you for your support.

Best wishes for you, Ms. Liz

Supporting what Liz said here, I also mention to students that if they have a long sentence which is not possible to understand, if they make shorter sentences, that may mean that at least part of the text is clearly understood even if one shorter sentence is not.