Task2: Standard of people's health

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chibi
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2020 9:48 am

Task2: Standard of people's health

Post by chibi »

Hello! I hope you can evaluate my writing for Task 2!
The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Health has always been a primary concern of the population. I agree that people are making more unhealthy choices now because of the abundance of unsound options in the market, but I do believe that this is offset by the aggressiveness of fitness experts and the overall trend nowadays of being health-conscious.

Compared to years ago, there are arguably more restaurants and grocery stores offering unhealthy foods. Fast food restaurants, which serve deep-fried potatoes and burgers, greatly outnumber places that offer vegetables and organic products. For instance, almost every province in the Philippines has a McDonald's branch but not every region has a Wholesome Table outlet. Furthermore, every Filipino family has eaten at least once in a fast food restaurant, but if you ask them if they know a vegetarian restaurant, you will probably get furrowed brows. As a result, this has left people with limited choices.

However, I believe this phenomenon can be offset by the aggressiveness of health-conscious individuals. Left and right, advertisements are featuring fit actors urging the public to eat healthier foods. These advertisements can influence people to exercise more and to prepare more vegetables and fruits in their meals. Fitness instructors have also become more insistent in promoting their services to public and gyms are frequently posting about discounts in their services which can entice people to avail of their services.

In addition, being health-conscious is now considered a trend that younger people want to follow. Everywhere on social media, there is always that one person who posts self-portraits of her in gym attire and takes a picture of her healthy meal. This has become a trend among younger people that the motivation to exercise and to eat healthy foods is not just constricted to the aim of being healthy, but also to becoming popular. This obsession with following a trend can help people achieve a greater standard of health.

In conclusion, people nowadays have limited choices on healthy foods which can contribute to lower health outcomes but with the insistence of fitness experts and current trends on social media, we can still achieve a higher standard of health for everyone.
goldcoastielts
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Re: Task2: Standard of people's health

Post by goldcoastielts »

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Thanks for your submission chibi!! Please see my rewrite below ... :ugeek:

INTRO:
Health has always been a primary concern of the population. I agree that people are making more unhealthy choices now because of the abundance of HARMFUL options ON the market, but I do believe that this is offset by the PREPONDERANCE of fitness experts and the overall trend nowadays of being health-conscious.

B1:
Compared to years ago, there are arguably more restaurants and grocery stores offering unhealthy foods. Fast food restaurants, which serve deep-fried potatoes and burgers, greatly outnumber places that offer vegetables and organic products. For instance, almost every province in the Philippines has a McDonald's branch but not every region has a Wholesome Table outlet. Furthermore, every Filipino family has eaten at least once in a fast food restaurant, but if you ask them if they know OF a GOOD vegetarian restaurant, you will probably get furrowed brows IN RESPONSE. As a result, this has left people with limited choices.

B2:
However, I believe this phenomenon can be offset by the ENLIGHTENED MINDSET of health-conscious individuals. Left and right, advertisements are featuring fit actors urging the public to eat healthier foods. These advertisements can MOTIVATE people to exercise more and to prepare more vegetables and fruits in their meals. Fitness instructors have also become more insistent in promoting their services to THE public and gyms are frequently posting (delete 'about') discounts in their SERVICE BROCHURES which can entice people to avail of their services.

B3:
In addition, being health-conscious is now considered a trend that younger people want to follow. Everywhere on social media, there is always that one person who posts self-portraits of herSELF in gym attire and takes a picture of her healthy meal. This has become a trend among younger people TO THE POINT that the motivation to exercise and to eat healthy foods is not just RESTRICTED to the aim of being healthy, but also to becoming popular. This obsession with following a trend can help people achieve a greater standard of health.

CONC:
In conclusion, people nowadays have limited choices on healthy foods which can contribute to lower health outcomes, (add comma) but with the PREVALENCE of fitness experts and current trends on social media, we can still achieve a higher standard of health for everyone.



:ugeek: A really great essay that would score very high. You just need to i) reduce the word count, ii) connect across sentences some more to eliminate the choppy nature, and iii) try to get the vocabulary choices perfect. :ugeek:

Advice:
1. Sometimes you can't quite get the right vocabulary item that you need. i.e. 'unsound' and 'aggressiveness' in the intro.
2. The intended meaning is not quite clear at times i.e. 'discounts in their services' in B2.
3. Be careful not to use third person singular pronoun when you really should use a reflexive pronoun ('herself' not 'her')
4. I am not sure but this essay is probably approaching 400 words which is much to long for an IELTS task 2. I would probably recommend writing just two body paragraphs instead of three for this style.

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 8.0
V: 7.5 (This was excellent, but on 7 or 8 occasions you could not QUITE get the write word to express your idea)
CC: 7.5 (Very good, but the next step would be to try harder to connect sentences together inside your body paragraphs.
Anthony Schultz :arrow: :arrow:
Full-time IELTS teacher | Gold Coast, Australia
www.goldcoastielts.com
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